Why is it that the Biggest Loser contestants are so inspiring? It could be their phenomenal weight loss. It is definitely part of it. But right now, this moment I am looking at something else. It isn’t their strictness to diet, nor their ferocious proclamations that, “I’M A FIGHTER!” that inspires me.
It’s their discipline. Their devotion to their health. Not in a boot camp kind of way. That’s not where I am right now. I am tired of yelling at myself. Of hating who I am now, loving and accepting only one possible me in the future, and hating the me from the past. That is toxic.
I am looking for a kind of zen way. The discipline it takes to nurture a seedling out of it’s prison shell and help it thrive into a harvestable garden. Or when you see a group of people practicing Tai Chi perfectly in sync. Quiet, unassuming, but powerful. Sustainable. Beneficial.
When I started this whole gig last year, I think I had a simplistic view. Live the best I can and the best will come to me. Right?
Wrong. Having Rett Syndrome in my life has changed that for me. Forever.
I’ve ordered Geneen Roth’s book Women, Food, and God as well after reading Heather Hurd’s post on Skinny Sushi on Saturday. She linked to this post about emotional eating and it clicked for me. I wrote for the five recommended minutes, and found I just needed to keep going. I came back three times over that day and wrote for ten minutes each time.
Terrible grammar, irrational thoughts, and lots of fear.
I’ve found that one word is my biggest enemy between survival and thriving. Fear. I have seen pictures and met people. I have seen the spectrum that we face with Rett Syndrome. It is both wonderful and eye opening. It is also terrifying that first time. It seems to me that Rett is cyclical in my mind. I fight, I accept reality, I retreat.
Funny thing that I just realized as I was typing: I’ve never felt defeated.
Not even once.
Did you know YOU are invincible too?
Stay tuned for more. This venting in my journal has really opened the floodgates.