Hi. I’m a wife, a mother, and I am an addict. I’ve wondered whether or not to share this part of my journey. I’ve thought a great deal about letting myself have the ability to just leave these things in the past and not have to stare at them for the rest of my life.
But, I am growing tired of constantly trying to ignore things about myself that are true. The bad things that I want to change, will change, am changing. I am not trying to downplay the addictions that tear apart the lives of others, I am simply recognizing the destructive tendencies within myself. The symptoms of addictions, that I have tried to stop on my own, but have been unable to do so in spite of counseling, blogging, and countless New Starts.
It’s not working.
I am a binge eater, and I use my work on the computer to distance myself from pain, stress, or difficult interactions. Rather than go into deep descriptive analysis of what I am doing, I will just move on. It is what it is, and I am the only one that will ever know where it is on the scale of “how bad is it.” I am assuming that it is worse than I think it is.
Some people consider addictions to be simply bad habits that can be conquered by willpower alone, but many people become so dependent on a behavior or a substance that they no longer see how to abstain from it. They lose perspective and a sense of other priorities in their lives. Nothing matters more than satisfying their desperate need. When they try to abstain, they experience powerful physical, psychological, and emotional cravings.
Life has been difficult and painful for me. Especially surrounding my psychosis, bipolar NOS diagnosis, and Chickadee’s circumstances. It has been completely beyond my capacity to deal with.
Slowly, I have been coming around to stand on my feet. But, I have indulged in unhealthy coping mechanisms. Like every human being on the planet. This video below is the main impetus for including my computer time in my addictions. That and conversations with my husband and children. And seeing Chickadee’s eyes as I try to fit in one more thing.
I like to feel heard and important.
I live for feedback, and I so love the blogging community. But, I have allowed my priorities to be skewed. This is not a “farewell from blogging” but rather it is a point where a decision was made in the long line of my life. fyi: The video has religious undertones from my faith.
Many began this path when barely older than children. Whatever our motive for starting and our circumstances, we soon discovered that the addiction relieved more than just physical pain. It provided stimulation or numbed painful feelings or moods. It helped us avoid the problems we faced—or so we thought. For a while, we felt free of fear, worry, loneliness, discouragement, regret, or boredom. But because life is full of the conditions that prompt these kinds of feelings, we resorted to our addictions more and more often. Still, most of us failed to recognize or admit that we had lost the ability to resist and abstain on our own.
I started using both of these mechanisms before I even had the capacity to stop them. But, at this point I am trying to get to the base root of my problems.
I am starting to work my way through an Addictions Recovery program sponsored by my church. (Also available on iBooks for free) One last quote underscores why I did not outline in specifics the details of my problems. ““The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel”-source
I would add that anyone could easily apply this to their own personal philosophy by saying: A study of virtues will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with addictive behavior can lead to the addictive behavior. Benjamin Franklin kept a virtue journal every day of his life. I have not read any great scandals about Mr. Franklin, but regardless of whether or not he was a scandalous person at a single point is not the issue. What I do admire is his constant discipline to improve his own behavior.
My family needs me.
I finally am realizing how much I’m missing, and find the capacity and humility to change.
So. From now on, I will spend 2-3 hours maximum on the computer working on my stuff. If my family needs me, I will take care of it and not the computer. If I’m not done with my scheduled posts then they won’t get done. If this proves to be a problem I will have to take more drastic measures.
I’m planning to get most of July scheduled, and it will be reflective of my available time. Short. I want to spend the rest of this summer-which has already become the best in my life-with my children. You will see archives that you probably haven’t read. I will post once a week my thoughts about the addictions program, since I will be working my way through twelve steps.
Other than that, there are no guarantees! Have you ever realized that a bad habit is affecting your relationships, budget, work, health and/or disposition? Do you avoid emotional pain?
19 Responses to Addictions
Leave a Reply
Blurb
The woman is a trainwreck. While coming to terms with that reality, she juggles motherhood with writing about health and wellnesslife. Her most prestigious role is that of a personal assistant to her youngest daughter, who requires entourage maintenance.
Balance. Life. Family. Much more important than blogging. Hugs.
So true. Thanks for all your support luv.
Fantastic. I am so happy for your efforts to do what is best for your family. I had seen that lots of people were posting this video, but I hadn’t yet watched it myself – thanks for providing me another opportunity to see it. I will be praying for your success!
Thanks Morgan. It will take time, but it’s time to get real and deal. You know? I’ve known at heart the real issue. It’s just taken me 32 years…
I think it is so easy to whittle away the hours on the computer instead of living life. Good for your for recognizing that things were out of balance in your life and taking the action required to make it right.
Food is an easy way to mask, numb and distract ourselves from feelings that we don’t want to feel. I am an emotional eater and have to work at not using food to comfort myself.
I look forward to hearing more about your program. Leslie has been writing about the 12 step program for over eaters and it’s good information.
Wishing you well as you venture forth.
Thanks Tami.
I’ve definitely been using it as a mask. Leslie has been hugely influential in my coming to see and identify addictions that are out of my control right now.
I appreciate all that you do to support this whole community. You are a true friend and support.
I think this is a great post. Fantastic. I love improvement, and actually live each day in hopes of making the next one better. I have just finished a book “Reshaping It All” by Candace Cameron Bure. Please give it a look, it has made a huge difference in my life, in particular, cured me of binge eating. Amazing little gem. Another piece of advice – find other projects to keep you busy… perhaps something creative – as bloggers, I tend to think we blog to take care of a creative side, but when I search my heart, I would really like to have other creative projects, like putting a photo album together for my family, maybe even paint, which I haven’t done since high school… Keep busy, and allow for limited computer time. It’ll make a huge difference
God bless you!!!
I will give that book a look. It sounds like a fantastic guide, and I’ll put it on my library list. (so so poor for now.
) I do have a pet writing project that I am keen to spend more time on, so I’ll try that if I need something to do. I think I’ll use pen and paper though since my kids don’t differentiate between any computer times. Thanks for your kind support.
I was in Overeater’s Anonymous for about 15 years. I liked a lot of it, but I hated a lot of it. I maintained my weight at the lowest and for the longest period of time while there, but there were things that I needed to get away from, so I left. Since I have been struggling so much for the past few years, I have thought of returning, but I don’t know if that is the answer. I do hope that you find recovery in the 12 Steps.
Right now I’m not able to attend meetings, and am just adapting things to how they fit for me. I don’t think this would have worked for me in previous times, and I am not committing to a lifetime of attending meetings.
But, I do think that it will be something good to reflect on. I also like that the focus is on separate virtuous behavior and not the negative addictive one. The more I analyze the more stuck I feel in some ways.
Thanks ever so much for your support.
[...] Addictions [...]
ahh I get this.
Im trying to LIVE and BE PRESENT and care for the fam over all else.
a lot.
lately for me if it isnt work which is paying and allowing me to purchase luxury items like new tires to replace my flat ones
I know how important family is to you, and I admire your devotion to them. It is woven into the very fiber of every word I’ve seen you type. How frustrating it can be (or imagine is for you whom thousands times more time has been invested) to devote and nurture something that doesn’t pay dividends except loyalty or other non-utilizable monies.
Being present and in touch with fam is the best investment of caring I can think of, and it will always pay dividends. You are amazing.
Holy crow JBS…I’ve been learning the very same lessons at the very same time as you, and I am about to hit “publish” on a post that has been morphed several times because of the lessons I learned IN REAL LIFE this past week. Thank you.
I cannot wait to read it! I just clicked your link. Thanks for sharing.
Actually…that wasn’t the post I was talking about LOL!! The post I was talking about is NOW up.
Hehe. I realized that after I got to your site and saw the time stamps. But I thought it was actually apt in it’s own way.
ahhh You Go Girl. I am going to qoute that little part to my mission boy who is almost to come home.
““The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel” He has shocked our socks of and asked to be signed up into classes to get a counseling degree instead of a drama degree and this is a pricless note to pay attention to. Time spent blogging is for sure being altered at my house too I can hardly get a min to myself with all the school stuff my kids are doing for school during the summer.
It is a nice change, isn’t it? I’m glad you’re excited about his change in focus. Life is more important than any kind of bizness. I’m excited for you! xo